It's Okay Not To Feel Okay

Dear Diary,

Please forgive me for not posting for a while.

I have been struggling.

It was the first anniversary of my miscarriage last week; my partial natural loss and then two days later, my operation to complete our first miscarriage. Naturally, I felt sad remembering 'this time last year...'

There seems to be a lot of different painful anniversaries with missed miscarriages... There's the day when, after years of negatives, you see a positive test. We have the day we saw our first baby alive - his/her heart beating (we sadly will not have this for our second as we never saw a beating heart in our second pregnancy), then there's the anniversary of the day the world as you know it changed - "I'm sorry, I can't find a heartbeat". Following this, is the day/night the miscarriage started; weeks after the awful scan. Then there's the anniversary of the operation or medical management, depending on how the loss was completed. Months later, one of the most painful dates on the calendar - the dreaded due date. Now, we have finally had all of these first year anniversaries for our first pregnancy.

I am not ashamed to say I am struggling. I have days where I cannot see past the dark cloud covering my head, I cannot feel joy, I cannot feel hope for the future. I feel like there is a huge issue constantly following me around; plaguing my every waking thought; "after years of yearning for one; we are unlikely to have a live child". Carrying this fact around is filling my mind with sadness.

I don't think it has helped that I have not been sleeping well. My anxiety is still there - worrying about anything and everything profusely. I am incredibly lucky that my husband is the most patient, caring person ever. I feel like I am letting people down where I am struggling. I wanted to be strong, like I always have been. Whenever I've been faced with heartbreak and sadness before, I've simply 'got on with it'. This time, I am struggling to do that.

I have not come here to moan, I just felt guilty for not posting. I felt like I was letting myself down. When I set up this new blogging platform, I was so excited. I adore writing, and sharing my thoughts and experiences. So , I question myself now, why have I felt unable to post? Simply because I have not had the energy to, along with everything else in my head.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling like this, it is absolutely okay not to be okay. I am taking some time to do what helps happiness filter in; for me, that is the gym, spending time with our beautiful dog and my amazing husband, watching my favourite TV programmes and reading. We have made plans for over Christmas that we feel may help the pain begin to ease. I am thankful that my husband and I have remained close and haven't let this come between us. We are both struggling in our own, very different, ways. But most importantly, we are together and together, we are stronger.

I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like this, unfortunately. I just want, if you are reading this and it feels familiar or similar for you; please know you are not alone. You can speak to your GP, there are counsellors who can helps; there are people who care. It is OKAY not to be OKAY.


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